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Dear Andy: We need to have a talk

It’s not you, it’s me. Okay, it’s you.

Carlos said you’d need one of these.

Dear Andy Carroll,

I suspect you’ve known this day was coming. After all, the look in our eyes has turned cold after all these years. You filled our dreams with glory, your hair flowing like a mane behind you as you rose to head the ball towards the goal.

But that dream has turned into a nightmare.

Last year, when you were healthy almost all season, we got so excited. Lovely crosses and free kicks were lofted towards your big Geordie self by that turncoat Frenchman, and European places beckoned as the team began its move westward to a more glamourous home.

Oh how you fooled us all last year, Andy, by making us believe that we were Manchester City in disguise, how a team from the wrong side of the tracks could get a shiny new home and take a great leap forward. Instead you were injured on holiday in America (like we haven’t heard that one before, mate) and without you the team sputtered to a woeful start. That turncoat Frenchman had his head turned by a past love and left us in the dead of winter, but you came back and made us all forget about him with that bicycle kick of wonder against those upstarts from across the river.

And then you got hurt. Again.

Maybe it’s best you find a new home this summer Andy, we just can’t take this rollercoaster anymore. You are amazing when you’re around, but you’re not around anymore and the kids are starting to ask why you never show up for games anymore.

Our gift to you, Andy.

Our old flame Carlos has found a better place. Remember the stories we told about him Andy? How dashing he was, how he saved us from a dark place and then was forced to leave us? He has a new home, and he says you would love it there. It’s a bit of a journey, but trust us, you won’t mind a bit while counting your stacks of pound notes and eating in the finest restaurants.

As your fellow Geordie Sting once sang, if you love someone, set them free. So we need to set you free Andy, so we can love this game again.

In Peace,

West Ham United fans.